December 8, 2006

It is a blue wall.

It is a tightness in the part of my brain that is right inside the ears.

It is a tunnel.

It is the lie: I feel fine.

It is nostalgia for more of the same.

I get so tired of this, but when I’m most tired about it, I’m the least able to move.

It is quicksand, except no thrashing.

It’s wondering if you should be taking more medicine but not wanting to.

It’s thinking you should be able to snap out of it.

It’s frustration and anger in feeling that you are flawed in this precise way.

Can it be written away?  Can it be prayed away?  Can it be talked, and talked, and talked away?

It is a feeling of emptiness right behind my cheekbones, making it impossible for my eyes to move the way they normally do.

I snap at the kids, at my wife.  What a terrible knowledge to know you are being mean.

I don’t think it can be written, prayed, talked away.  But I do those things.  I do them better when I’m not like this.


6 Responses to “Depression”

  1. Evonne Says:

    I’m here if you want to talk. I’m a great listener.

  2. sheepdays Says:

    Thanks for your offer. Feeling down comes and goes. I always seem to get like this at the end of the semester.

  3. Brett

    I live with depression, so I know what you are talking about. Five years on, I’ve learned to live with it, which is pretty good. I don’t mean I’m resigned to feeling depressed, but I’ve found ways to live through the dark times. Medicine has been part of the equation for me, as well as talk and action.

    I will be praying for you.


  4. sheepdays Says:

    Hey, Milton. Welcome to Sheep Days. Thanks for linking to my site on your blog. Also, thanks for these kind words and prayers. It sounds like we’ve had some similar experiences with depression and its treatment. You, mostly, things are very good. It’s just those few debilitating moments.

  5. sonofbruce Says:

    You really captured it well.

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